April 29, 2000 - Saturday
Harry's mother left this morning a little after 7:30am to attend a trade association meeting and left me alone with Harry for the better part of ten hours. That's far longer than I've spent alone with him before, but with enough milk in storage to last the day I was at least prepared to avoid a major crisis. Since I regularly spend four hours with him in the mornings, I know that while the time can sometimes be very rewarding, that time is almost invariably broken up by a nap, leaving two fairly managable shorter periods of imagination. Still, somehow I always know how long it will be before Harry's mother returns from work. Today, I was more concerned with finding a full day's worth of activities for Harry and for me.

It could have been a glorious day of father and son bonding, and we had some very special moments laughing and playing, but I was particularly tired and that is rarely ideal for interacting with a baby who's constantly looking for stimulation. Moreover, on a mood scale from 1 to 10 with 1 being the lowest, I'd have to say that Harry was no higher than a 3 for much of the day. On the other hand, I have noted before that Harry's mood often has an eerie relationship to my own fatigue or preoccupation.

Whatever Harry's real mood, it was one of those days that he was revisiting his foolish noise from early in the month, constantly sucking his hands and garments, and capriciously refusing milk even though he was clearly hungry. Of course, I was, at times, very frustrated. These are the days when I wonder about how my actions will affect Harry's upbringing and long term psyche. He's too young to understand anything I'm saying, but can he sense the tone of my voice or my moods? I've never raised my voice to Harry before that I can recall, but I did today, more loudly than normal, beg his predilection when he refused to satisfy his empty and aching stomach. Does he get more tense and distracted when I get frustrated at him turning away from the bottle only to cry from hunger? Will my letting him whimper a little longer without comforting - because I can't think of a quick distraction - make him insecure? Can he tell that my heart's not always in it when I play silly games to keep him from whining and does it make him more moody himself?

Surprisingly, the day was somehow not as oppressively long as it might sound. Harry took regular naps, one with me sleeping beneath his tiny body on the couch. And, we broke up the midday with a trip to the store for diapers and other supplies, during which time Harry seemed adequately amused. Yet, these are unmistakably the harder days. Almost any day since he was born I would have gladly recommended my closest friends have babies themselves and share the fascinations of a growing and learning child. However, there were times today when I would not have been so quick with that advice. Sometime after Harry's mother did return, she conceded that Harry was in a similar mood yesterday (and/or she was similarly tired and wanting to rest when Harry was not) and there were times when she might not have been too far from tears of frustration. Fortunately, neither of us succumbed to an overflow of emotion, though on these days it's hard to imagine how single parents manage the constant barrage of wants and needs. Handling Harry is so much easier in short bursts when I'm full of energy and inspiration and so is handing him off when I'm not.


Comments, opinions?