December 29, 2002 - Sunday
There have been times over the last, say, six months when I've looked at or played with Jeremy and felt something like a stepfather trying to win his love and trust. It's not that there's been any problem there, as I'm sure the feeling comes from the lack of time I spent with him very early in his life. I spent a lot of time with Harry from his very first days and possibly even more than his mother did as time went by. With Jeremy, that just didn't happen. Harry was around and being a two-year-old and I didn't nurse the baby, so the division of labor was a function of practicality. As the months went on, Jeremy unsurprisingly showed a clear preference for his mother, especially in times of distress. That didn't bother me because it was just so logical, but I guess it's left me feeling that I've had a little work more recently to develop the trust and become a safe and comfortable harbor for Jeremy. The feeling has been waning of late as I play, tickle, shop, ride, (just before Christmas I took Jeremy shopping and he rode in the front seat of "mommy's car" like Harry has done going to the dump and it's just so great to sit with him rather than chauffeuring him around in the back seat) and just be with Jeremy, particularly over the last month. I think just as there are doubts when they are born about loving a second child as much as the first, that doubt being one that fades as they become a part of the family, so too is this a mental evolution. Now, I think Jeremy's still something of a momma's boy, but I'm definitely his father. I feel it and I'm better sure he does too.