September 3, 2005 - Saturday
Grandpa John and Grandma Judy arrived today for a brief overnight visit. They always stay in the big room where Harry's drumset now resides and, naturally, Harry wanted to show it to them. Conveniently, the sheet music to his recital piece was right there near the drumset and he quickly put it on the stand. But then something interesting happened. Harry fidgeted, adjusted his music, then adjusted it some more. I've certainly performed enough to know what was going on in his head: self-doubt.

Harry never did play his drum piece for Grandpa John and Grandma Judy. The moment of waiting passed and Harry seemed to say that he waited to do it later and everyone went on to something else. It was no big deal on the surface, but that's a tricky experience for a young performer to have had and I caught up with him about it a short while later outside.

"How come you didn't want to play your drums for grandpa and grandma?"
"I don't know."
"Well, why do you think?"
"I don't know!" he said more emphatically, half annoyed and probably half embarrased.
"It's OK, Harry, I've played my guitar a lot of times and I think I understand. I'm just wondering want you were thinking about. Were you a little nervous?"
"Yeah, I was a little nervous."
"Yeah, that's what I thought. That's very normal. It's happened to me a lot, too, when I'm playing my guitar. But, you weren't nervous at your recital and there were a lot more people."
"I like to play of a lot of people, not just one person." That's an interesting thought, but I'm almost sure it's just not true and is more a reactionary rationalization.
"Hmm. Maybe that's true, but when I've played guitar it seems that being nervous can happen at strange times. But, you know what?"
"What?"
"Being nervous is just an emotion, like being afraid of something, and it's up to your head to decide if there's anything really to be scared about." That's a lot tougher to do than to say, but he'll learn that "It's like when we were in that little place in the museum with the small tunnel we went through and the small room with the mummy. Remember?"
"Yeah," he said with some renewed confidence.
"And that was kind of neat because the curator set it up to make us think it was real and make us feel a little nervous. But our heads told us that nothing could happen to us in the museum. This is kind of the same thing. Why do you think you were nervous about playing the drums for grandpa?"
"I don't know."
"Maybe you were worried that he wouldn't like it or something, or that you might not play the piece right."
"Yeah."
"But I think grandpa would be really happy to hear you play the drums. Don't you?"
"Yeah."
"So, maybe there's not really anything to be that nervous about and it's up to your head to decide. And you know something else? Remember how nice it felt to make Miss Maria happy with your card? Didn't that feel good to you?"
"Yeah." It had felt good to him. I know it. I saw it, and he said so later.
"Well, you can make people happy with your drums, too. You're getting to be a very good drummer and that's something that's very special. And if you can make people happy by playing your drums, don't you think that's a good thing to do? And maybe it's OK to be a little nervous if you can let your brain decide about it."

I speak to Harry about this with a fair amount of first hand knowledge. It's something that I've not only experienced, but consciously thought about for years. Some people are born without self-doubt and they may be natural performers. I'm not one of those people and neither, I'm sure, is Harry. But that doens't mean he can't do it, at least I don't think so. I think it's about understand and overcoming his body with his mind. It's important in performing music, but it's equally important in life. I found this little incident with grandpa fascinating. It offers a little more insight on what was probably in Harry's head last June at his recital. In that case he was almost certainly nervous, but also well-prepared enough to get through it handsomely. This time, having not played his piece seriously since then, he erected more of an emotional wall. Perfectly normal stuff. But something to work on with him. Indeed, what I did not talk about, but will at another time, is how practice and preparation are often critical in establishing performance confidence. Ah, I just hope he continues to play music long enough to make these serious issues.


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